I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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