you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just had sex bonerless
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
