i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
