My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I looked at my own cervix.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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