if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
