East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
