I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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