He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
