he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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