Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
