Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
