This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I look excited, but its just a facade.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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