Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
look no pants
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
