if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
