you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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