mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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