I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
