we have officially lost it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
