So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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