But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
