I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
