omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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