well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
