I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
