someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I could make wine with my vomit
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
