Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
