It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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