My room smells like vodka and shame
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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