Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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