if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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