I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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