He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
