i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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