you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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