I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
