Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
