i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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