my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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