Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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