Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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