Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
