...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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