you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
