life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you inspire me to be a worse person
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
