Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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