dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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