I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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