only you would photoshop your dick
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
