He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
