fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
another moral hangover. fuck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
