Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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