News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
