He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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